Most of us believe that if our children would just “behave,” we could maintain our composure as parents. However, parenting isn’t about what our child does, but about how we respond. The truth is that learning to manage our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. In fact, the more emotional intelligence we acquire, the better equipped we are to help our children handle their emotions, as well.
Dr. Bryan Post illustrates this point well by comparing our inner state to a snow globe. Often when a child misbehaves or has a melt-down, it triggers a great deal of inner stress in us, as the parent or professional. Our “snow globe” gets shaken- distorting our thinking, short term memory, and our ability to stay present. However, if we purposefully take the time to settle ourselves down- calming our own globe- the snowy emotional state of our child’s globe will become apparent.
It takes lots of practice to maintain a settled globe. The first step is to realize that your child is not shaking our globe on purpose. Lost in the storm, he does not have the ability to calm his emotions on his own. In fact, it is his extreme insecurity and inability to calm himself down that keeps him in a stirred-up state.
Here’s the good news! A regulated brain leads to regulated behavior. With practice and the right tools, it truly is possible to watch your child’s unsettling behavior and simultaneously keep your own globe completely at rest. Staying calm during stressful moments shows your child that you can help him through this moment, and that the problem isn’t too big to be fixed. In fact, by focusing on calming the brain, instead of just trying to change your child’s responses, his stormy behavior will actually dissipate much quicker!